I have had a hard time over the last 4 days, and I am trying to work out why. I am self aware enough to notice negative thoughts and patterns emerging during the day, but I don’t think I am yet practised enough to work my way out of them.
The first stage of this is not believing everything you think. It’s ok to notice the negative thoughts, like “I am a crap parent” but you don’t have to act on them. I tend to go over the top and try and compensate for having had the thoughts in the first place. For example, on the first snow day I rushed around after the kids in ‘good mummy mode’ which in the long run made me resentful and caused more problems than solved.
The other thing I have noticed myself dong is isolating. Lots of people say ‘make time for yourself’ but when I am feeling like that I don’t feel like I belong anywhere. I don’t feel right spending time with people, but I know being on my own is very damaging. I end up feeling stuck because I believe what I think. If I were to be more objective, I would know I am welcome to spend time with my family, and that I am not inflicting myself on them.
I also have tried to start my day over. I just feel like on hard days I am doing that so many times it’s like being a Quantum Leap! I think at the base of this is having the courage of my convictions to parent and trying to parent more together with my husband. This is actually a lot more complicated than you might think, but he had made it pretty clear to me how far I am lacking, and I would love so much for us to be a team. Many times when I think I am doing ok, I am assisted with reality goggles. It’s just hard to know how not to take it personally and how to accept hurt and anger with good grace. I guess that it further on in the steps than I am, and as we all know, it’s one day at a time.