After a fair amount of snow joy, today I am feeling utterly trapped. I had quite a nice morning- I even managed to get out for a run (well, plod) at 6.30am. Since then the kids and I also went out in the snow with our lovely friends, but since then I have not been able to shake the sinking inevitable feeling of being trapped.
Trapped by the weather. Trapped feeling like a perpetual maid. Trapped feeling taken for granted. Trapped with my own stupid thoughts whirling round in my head. Trapped inside myself.
The kids are not meaning to take me for granted, but I am certainly sick of doing everything for them. When I try and express these ideas it never goes down well. Yesterday I felt the same way, and there was no happy resolution where they picked up their own towels/moved the cups of the floor (see- it’s really petty things!) with understanding faces and a non resentful attitude. I *know* that it is not in the genetic make up of kids to be helpful, but at the moment I feel they expect a lot, and to be honest don’t always even manage to be polite. My husband is also fed up with me, which I know is because he is worried about something at work. So my stupid worries seem to annoy him even more. I have ended up where I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone, with the main high light of my day being cooking a dinner for everyone else, that I can’t eat.
So often I really enjoy doing things for other people. It is rewarding, and makes me feel less disconnected. Today I am feeling resentful, isolated, and irritable. I can see how people end up relapsing.
My own two boys have gone away with their Dad to Disney in Paris- and I miss them horribly. No one ever mentions how I must miss them when they go away to their Dad’s, but I really do. This feels especially sharp as I know I cannot offer them weekends away at somewhere awesome like that, and yet again I feel like a total failure as a parent. I can’t keep my husbands kids happy, or mine, or even him. Feeling pretty rubbish at the moment, and I can even feel myself slipping into self pity mode. I guess though I have gotten to the stage now where everyone is so fed up that there isn’t much point in trying to ask for help.
There was so much I wanted to do in the snow- and now non of it is going to happen because I am in this really negative mood. The irony being that I have the self awareness to realize this will be a self fulfilling prophecy, but I don’t feel able to do anything about it.
As I am typing two of the kids and clearing the dishwasher. That is much appreciated by me but I feel so isolated from everyone. Alcoholism really is a horrible mental disease- I hope as the months go on I will get better at managing these type of feelings.