I have been having a lot of nightmares recently. Some of relatively predictable, and about having a a relapse. Really vivid, technicolor, sensation laden dreams where I wake up, and lie on sheets soaked with sweat, my heart pounding.
Did I drink? Do I need to call my sponsor? Have I undone all the work I have done?
My knuckles are usually clenched and white. Like I am tipping over the precipice of a roller-coaster or taking my driving test again. I think back…. I can’t remember drinking. The main problem with that logic is that I often couldn’t remember drinking. The joys of black outs, eh?
The other nightmares are darker, and about things my conscious brain has never strayed to during the day time. The deaths of my children, or even more disturbingly, my children trying to harm me. Violence, blood, and a look of hatred in their eyes. I assume from this that I either watch too much crime drama, or my brain is still processing a lot of emotional guilt over the many, many, ways I have let them down during my drinking.
Either way, the dreams cling to my hair like cobwebs. Cobwebs covered in treacle, that I can’t wipe away easily. For the first minutes waking my body is running with adrenaline. Going back to sleep isn’t easy. I was always told at school I should try harder to use my imagination, now I wish it would bloody shut up.