Being a patient patient (are those words really spelt the same way?)

I’m dyslexic, so sometimes I really can’t tell.

One of the things I am struggling with is being patient in my recovery. I am still (very) prone to wanting things my own way, which never works out well for me or those around me. I am also trying not to react to events like I used to, which I think is more positive, but is still meaning that when that doesn’t work I am getting frustrated and impatient.

Take yesterday as an example. My husband worked really hard at a birthday tea for me. It was lovely, and I really appreciated it. Did I show this in my behaviour? No. I fretted over doing things wrong, over how other people were, ultimately ruining the day. When do the words “serenity to accept the things I cannot change’ become an actual living part of my life? Even asking that question is somewhat absurd.

Real and meaningful change takes years, not months, and I am going to have to work hard to not expect things *my way* because this actually never worked out all that well for me in the past.

Emotional and spiritual recovery takes time. I know that. I know I can’t rush it. I wish that sometimes my family understood how hard I am working, even if I am still making mistakes. That in itself is a somewhat selfish statement, but I am craving acceptance and love for my efforts.