I was warned about the crash after an event you have psyched yourself up for. Christmas was a car crash in itself and New Years Eve was just basically crap. You could describe it with one word MEH. I had told myself I wouldn’t drink, and I didn’t. Nor did I sleep, or feel, well anything really apart from disappointed and flat.
It’s depressing that now I am trying to be more honest, basically I am being a bitch all the time. I don’t even like me much of the time, and when I try and tell people I feel let down they think I am being spoilt brat, and I know I am. How childish is it to think:
“Oh no this wasn’t how I wanted it, so it isn’t right, so instead of just joining in I will sulk, make myself miserable and take it out on everyone else.”
I get trapped in feeling really hard done by, and being desperate for someone to ask me what is wrong and actually try and fix it and being vile to everyone around me. I don’t think I did this when I was drunk, or at least not as much. My self esteem is so low at the moment that I *assume* no one wants to spend time with me. (By my logic, that’s why we we not invited out for New Years Eve, or why no one wants to cuddle up with me, or no one wants to run with me. It’s so self absorbed I am actually making myself feel queasy. Then this leads to stage two- because I am being awful, it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. Plus the added bonus, that if I have to tell someone what I really want, I feel like their actions are insincere, or they are being nice out of a sense of obligation. This plus a pervading sense of not feeling worthy enough to intrude on other peoples lives has made today pretty crap.
I need to turn this around. So I propose, (one day at a time style) that I will go out for my RED run, and if I need to cry all the way round I bloody well will just to get it out of my system. I will try and do something I enjoy like the knitting that sitting looking at my unfinished an accusing. I shall try and stop stropping around the house, and actually be someone that people want to spent time around, or maybe even love. Don’t worry about me, I’m fine. This is just part of the process of getting well. Being emotionally honest is hard work and not always easy.