What is better than a Pinterest fail? A parenting fail. That way you can feel really crappy about yourself for the rest of the day. I also like to throw into the emotional mix a mini-round of martyr of the day for good measure. I am sure that you understand I am writing this to try and break this cycle, but at the moment I am feeling pretty pissed off and hard done by.
This morning has not started well. The builder got here at god-almighty-unreasonable-hour, so I was trying to sleep in my sons room. Basically I am horrible if I have not slept, and so wasn’t great when I got woken up twice by other children rooting though sons wardrobe looking for underwear they could have found else where. Add to this one husband grumpy about spilled treacle (at least it wasn’t milk!) you basically have a not especially happy me. So, I started pottering around cleaning and doing the tidying, and middle child wanted to go in the loft whilst I was gathering the laundry on the landing. I asked him to wait to lower the ladder. He did not wait and he hit me on the back of the head and shoulder. This really bloody hurt. What I got was a mumbled sorry, whilst i went and cried in our utility room. I didn’t need a mumbled sorry.
So there I was self righteously folding laundry (in a passive aggressive way) and it occurred to me that even though he apologized under duress, at least he did it. My apologies when I first gave up drinking were like that. I said sorry, I even meant it for a bit, but it took me a while to be sincere. I am now expecting my family to act like everything I say is truth on my word, when before my word has meant very little.
Last night at our meeting we were reading The Doctor’s Opinion, and it was discussed that the alcoholic is not able to think/help themselves out of their problem on their own. It was, after all our own minds and thinking that got us in this mess in the first place. I am trying really hard to not insist that my thinking is the only correct response, as it is at many times flawed. I might not see it at the time, but I can see as hell see it after. (See my blog on Christmas day if you need any evidence for this)
It you want to apply this to my circumstance this morning, I guess the initial OUCH that hurt was reasonable. However, the crying in the utility probably was not, and I am expecting a level of maturity from a child that I barely muster in myself. I am also painfully aware that my role modeling of ‘sorry’ is pretty poor, and I will have to live it for a long time before it starts to be a way of life for my children. *sigh*
Basically, I guess in writing this out I have given myself a chance to calm down, and to try and think of a better way to muddle through. It’s only 10am but so far I am grateful today that I have made it to day 51, and that I appear to have taken a more positive course of action than old me would have managed. Here’s to making a success of the rest of the day.