Virgin Harry Potter OR can someone translate this?!

I am a Potterhead. I know what house I am in, and I know what my Patronus is. I can finish JK quotes, I made golden snitches for my wedding and I get very upset if a muggle disses Hogwarts. I am also an alcoholic, and so I did EXCITED/OHBOLLOCKS when I saw this. Can anyone please please help me translate them to virgin cocktails?

I appreciate this is the most ridiculous recovery post of all time, but I just want to enjoy my Potterness minus the booze. Thank you wider world for humouring me.

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