It’s not quite Superman vs Batman, but I have a bit of an internal battle at the moment. (By the way, I do know that film is pretty poor- so no need to worry about my viewing habits)
I would like a sponsor at AA. There I said it. I have read so much about how positive it can be to have someone in your life that helps you to stay on track that I am all excited to get one and work really hard to build a relationship and make them proud. I seriously hope you didn’t read that out loud or you have probably passed out with the lack of punctuation. Sorry.
It is diagrams like this that have convinced me this would be a good idea:
So here is the internal dialogue that is stopping me:
1- I’ve only been going for a few weeks dammit. I still am only 75% sure of WTF is going on, so I probably need to be patient and wait around for a bit, sadly being patient is not one of my strong points. So it’s like going to a group where you feel great for fitting in, just not quite so much that I feel confident to ask questions, so I don’t 100% fit in. I’m sure all this will take time. See- I know really. I am happy to sit tight and know that I need help to recover, it can only be a positive to work on some of my less desirable traits that got me into this mess in the first place.
2- What’s the deal anyway? Do I just walk up to someone (after giving it good thought) and ask them to be my sponsor? What if it is like Mean Girls (social nightmare!) what if they don’t want too and they are too polite to say?! You can see my general panic here. It feels like asking someone something really important, because you want them to say yes, so you feel like you are worth someone’s time.
3- My self esteem doesn’t think really anyone would want to put that time and effort into me. I promised myself festive nails for a month sober, and I couldn’t justify the expense so I had a go myself. It looks like an explosion in an Abba tribute act wardrobe has landed on my nails. I suck at festive nail varnish. What if my sponsor didn’t really want to be doing that role? The implications would be a damn sight worse than shoddy nails. Even scarier, what if someone did want to put in the effort, and after a lifetime of doubting myself *I* have to believe I am worth it?!
4- The last thing is, I get that service is an important part of recovery, but there must be something better for someone to do than help me going on. Like actually, not just better, but more rewarding.
Anyone want to tell me I am wrong? Or generally kick me up the backside? Feel free, I probably need it. By the way, if you are reading this post in weeks to come and all this got sorted out, then feel free to tell me told-you-so or make the Nelson noise.