Alcohol- you bastard. 10 things I hate about you.

Ever since Heath Ledger raised the ‘how to be romantic’ stakes for males all over the world in 1999 (he did- trust me) I have had a soft spot for this film. I have also spent more time than is healthy making lists of things, so the title of this film appeals to me as well. Here are ten things I hate about alcohol.

1- Alcohol makes people that are usually gentle and lovely act like total arseholes. We do and say things we never would sober. We push our friends and family away, abusing our bodies and minds with a substance that seems like the answer to our difficulties, but which will ultimately become the problem.

2- Alcohol takes away our identities and makes our lives shades of grey instead of technicolor. We are robbed of our opportunities to be our quirky, glorious badshit crazy selves. The joy in the world is lost to anything that isn’t a drink. Trust me, we are more fun and more ourselves when we are sober.

3- Alcohol, the insidious bastards, doesn’t make you see things as they really are, and folks, bad decisions were made. Examples from my life:

Drinking in the morning

Hiding bottles

Lying to those who love me

Putting myself in the way of half

Not caring I was in the way of half

Being a pretty crap mother

And on and on and on….

4- Black outs and bruises

Below is the face I pull when I can’t remember what I did, who I upset and how I have so many bruises. It’s a negative self fulfilling cycle that makes me self loath and want to drink again. This *never* happens if you drink tea.

5- When you first meet Alcohol it is a friend. You celebrate with it, come of age with it, feel like it will support you through the bad as well as good times. When you stop drinking it is a grieving process, you have lost something that was once central to your life. Something that you relied upon, and can not have again. It made you feel special, and witty. The cold light of day can be a scary place.

6- ‘It’s just one drink’ alcohol whisper to you. No it bloody isn’t. It’s going back to the shop to get more, not caring about throwing up, waking up as dry as Ghandi’s flip flop in front of the telly at 3am, falling over and humiliating yourself, drunk dialling,being a slurring and incoherent mess and embarrassment, hurting everyone you love, letting yourself down. It is never just one drink.

7- Alcohol affects your mental health in a profound way. Depression and anxiety are common amongst alcoholics, and many in recovery have poor self esteem. These are good, kind people who deserve more from life but do not feel entitled to it.

8- Alcohol trashes your ability have a real relationship with another human being. We are robbed of the joys of parenthood, of love itself. Try dealing with a life of isolation from meaningful human contact, and you will understand how desperate many alcohols are driven to feel.

9- The reason I most hate alcohol is that I know, right at the core of me, I will always have a craving for it. Time may diminish this, but I can never have a ‘normal’ relationship with drink.

10- Lastly, no alcohol you lying bastard. I cannot dance.

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